Why do we all have such a hard time connecting? If connection is something we are created to do, why is it such a struggle for so many?
Have you heard someone recently say that you need community? Maybe you were encouraged to join a small group to “do life” together or be a part of an accountability or support group. This is excellent advice, except, in my opinion, very few people really know how to connect. We want to connect, but it’s not quite as easy as just joining a group.
Many people out there want us to build a community, but very few are helping us know how.
There are several reasons connecting is hard:
1. Because we have an enemy
2. Because society doesn’t advocate for it
3. Because we weren’t taught
4. Because it takes time
5. Because we won’t be bold
6. It takes a mindset shift
7. Here’s the good news…
Connection is at the heart of who God is. God’s identity is in connection as the Trinity (God the Father, Christ the Son, and the Holy Spirit). In God’s world, there has never been no connection.
We are also created for connection. That’s what Scripture tells us from beginning to end. In Genesis 1:26-27, God tells us that humans were the only creatures made in His image. This means we are made to be like Him. Thus, we are made to be connected to God and others. Not much farther down in Genesis 2:18, after God created Adam, He said it was not good for man to be alone. This is just more confirmation that we are not meant to do life alone.
That’s why when you hear pastors or other Christian leaders say to find community, they’re right! What’s missing is the practical piece.
And that’s a pretty important piece. But for now, why is it so difficult to build and keep healthy, godly relationships that bring life to us?
We live in a broken world.
Because we live in a broken world, we seem to forget easily that this world is not what God created it to be. It’s messed up. Since the fall, nothing (no thing) is as it should be, including, and maybe most importantly, relationships. The enemy’s goal is to create disconnection in us with God and others. If we don’t understand that, we don’t have a chance. Sin entered the perfect world God had created very early on (see Genesis 3). The world God made went from being very good, and people felt no shame, to a place that felt unsafe and full of doubt and blame. Satan does not want us to be in connection with God and others. He will do anything to keep us from who we are created to be. He wants us to sin.
God is interested in obedience because He values relationships and asks for obedience because it comes from true connection. Jesus Christ did not die for our obedience. He died for us to be reconnected with God once sin entered the world.
We live in a broken world, meaning connection is not the norm, but it is natural. We are created for connection, but the world makes it challenging. But it isn’t just the broken world that keeps us from connection. Society plays a big part as well.
We can blame society.
We can also blame society, particularly Western culture, which has idealized individualism over collectivism. We applaud individual self-effort and achievement. We encourage looking out for number one and what’s in each person’s best interest.
Think of advertising slogans like Nike’s when LeBron James says, “What should I do”?, or Dr. Pepper’s “Always One of a Kind,” or Loreal’s famous tagline, “Because I’m worth it.” As long as we listen to and believe the message that it’s all about us and it’s up to us alone, connecting with others will be difficult, if not impossible.
From a Biblical perspective, we must understand that individual effort or willpower never makes us successful. We also need to know that the willingness to be vulnerable, honest, empathetic, and sacrificial (in other words, connect) with one another will bring joy in this life and the next. I have had the privilege of connecting with others and experiencing the fruit this brings. I can tell you there is nothing like it. Connecting with God and others makes us healthier, wealthier, happier (spiritually speaking), and more poised to do God's work than anything else we can do. And that truth is certainly not touted in our society!
It's hard to do something you’ve never been taught.
It’s hard to do something you’ve never been taught to do or experienced before. Who could learn to ride a bike by hopping on without instruction or anyone else to help? Who could solve a math equation without teaching or direction? The things we do well happen because we learned the information and someone showed us how to do it.
The same is true for relationships. If we have not learned and experienced what connection is, we will not have the capacity to give it. Why are so many Christian leaders asking us to connect with others without understanding it, teaching it, and living it out? I believe it’s because we are so far down the line of disconnection that many Christian leaders have never been taught or experienced connection themselves.
We must get back to the basics. Connection is a basic need for all humans. Neuroscience now tells us that having genuine connection with others is at the very core of how our brains work and are wired. When needs are not met, connection doesn't happen. When connection doesn't happen, our brain has to re-wire itself to, well, survive. When our brain is in survival mode, everything else goes "offline" and cannot function properly, including healthy relationships with true connection. We must shout as loudly as we can to leaders everywhere that if they want connection in their family, team, school, corporation, or church, they should know it first.
Connection starts at the top.
If our leaders are not connecting God’s way, it will be more than challenging for us to do the same. Connection starts at the top. This includes leaders of communities, churches, schools, workplaces, and homes. We are all influencers. As such, we must ask ourselves what we are influencing in those around us. It will either be a godly connection or a worldly connection. Godly connection is what the Needs-Connection Model™ is all about. Worldly connection is the kind that connects for self-gain or interest, power or control, or accolades.
The real difference between a godly connection and a worldly connection is heart-motivation.
Too many workplaces, churches, and schools focus more on behaviors than relationships. Behaviors in this context are about outcomes, performance, and the ability to choose. When we focus on behaviors, whether in children or adults, we miss connection. Focusing on relationships doesn't mean behavior isn't important, it just means it's not the most important. Focusing on connection gives everyone on the team (or family) a chance. No matter the size of the team, if the leader does not know how to connect, connection will not happen.
Connecting takes time.
Connecting with God and others takes time—a lot of time—and a lot of effort. It means giving up things we love to gift intentional time to someone else. We are taught that time is precious and not to waste it. I agree. Pray and ask God how He thinks you are spending your time.
In my experience as a counselor, spending time with someone means different things to different people.
Being in the same room with someone differs from gifting your time to them. Gifting time means we sit down with someone without an agenda, phones, TV, or other distractions, listen to where they are, and care about their heart, mind, and soul. To do it any other way is not connecting. Taking time for someone else without regard for your self-interest may be the best thing that happened to them that day, or maybe ever.
Connection takes courage.
Connection is difficult because most are unwilling to be bold about demanding it in our relationships. Most of us are willing to settle for what we have either because
· We don’t know any differently.
· We are too afraid people will leave if we demand more from them.
· We don’t want to cause conflict.
· We don’t believe we are worth it.
Connection – true connection- is something every human being deserves and is created for. As long as we ignore that, we will continue to raise another generation who does not know and will not experience abundant life.
We must reevaluate our ability to connect with God and others. This has become my mission, my passion. When we understand what true connection is and how we can experience and share it, a whole generation will be changed, and we will see a glimpse of the Kingdom to come.
Here’s the great news.
Even if you don’t know the meaning of connection, let alone experience it, you can. Remember, we are created for connection. But things in our lives have kept us from connecting with God and others (remember the enemy?). Some of those things include not getting our needs met as children. Then if you add to that bad, harmful, and painful experiences as we go through life and the messages they give us, it is no wonder we don’t know how to connect. But even in this broken world, despite what society says and how difficult it is to connect with others, it is possible and worth it.
Check out our website to learn more about connection!
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